Dating with boundaries pdf
One good friend of mine had a husband who would continually badger her into being willing to participate in threesomes with various female friends.Every time she would refuse he would “punish” her, either berating her for her lack of consideration for his needs, belittling her appearance and attitudes, or just becoming increasingly passive-aggressive.The two-faced smilers who would be pleasant to people’s faces but had no problem cutting them down when their back was turned.How many times have you had someone – a friend, a lover, even family – pull a guilt-trip on you?One of the most common signs of a predatory, abusive personality is the testing of boundaries: trying to push someone further and further out of their comfort zone, using a cycle of rewards and punishments in order to manipulate someone into being willing to knuckle under.I’ve received many letters from women who had boyfriends who consistently tried to push the envelope of what they were comfortable with – demanding nude pictures, trying to bully them into sex they didn’t want to have (especially girls who were not ready to have sex yet) or into sexual practices they didn’t like.
It’s hard to stand up for yourself when you believe that you have very little of value to offer in the first place – something that is reinforced by the way that people walk over you and take advantage of you.
It’s important to note: this isn’t exclusively a male or female problem.
Both men and women are equally capable of having weak boundaries and low self-esteem…
The other frequent cause for poor boundaries is an unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own actions.
Taking a stand – saying that you will not tolerate or put up with certain attitudes or behavior – means being willing to accept the responsibility of that choice and thus shouldering the consequences.